Coming Late, Leaving Early

Two stories:

First is the story of a 30-something queer couple - let’s call them Taylor and Terry - who are looking for a spiritual home. Taylor and Terry attend a service at your congregation: the message inspires them, the kindness they sense from others in the room moves them, and the songs bring them to tears. They gather some information at the visitors table, and after some conversation, they decide to come back the next Sunday.

Again, they are moved and inspired, and as they head to social hour, they are pounced on by someone who remembers them from last week. They excitedly tell Taylor and Terry about how great it is that someone under 60 is here, and the church wants to grow some exciting programs to ‘attract the youth’ and oh goodness how great it would be if Taylor and Terry joined some committees.

Taylor and Terry are troubled by the pouncing, but they were so inspired otherwise, they decide to come back again. And in social hour again, they are pounced on by people eager to get them involved.

A few weeks go by before they return, but they are strategic. They come in about 5 minutes after the service starts, and they leave before the postlude.

Second is the story of a 60-something couple - let’s call them Mike and Lori. These two have been active in the congregation since they came with their young children (now young adults), and Mike has recently retired. They’re the kind of people who willingly serve on committees, on the board, attend fellowship events. At some point one of them ran the stewardship campaign, and one of them was on the auction committee. It’s now late summer, and their terms in various positions (one was board president) has completed, and they realize that they need a break from service for a while in order to rejuvenate their spirits.

After an especially inspiring service, they go to social hour, and they are pounced on by other members, who all say ‘now that you’re done with that role, we could use you for this role’ … people who are surprised when Mike and Lori say no.

But no means no, so they go back next week, and get pounced on both before and after the service by more members who are so certain Mike and Lori need something to do. But they know right now, they just need to be fed - something they let slide while doing a lot of work in the congregation.

And so they start coming in about 5 minutes after the service starts, and they leave before the postlude.

Yes. People like to be asked to contribute. People like to be invited to serve the congregation in meaningful ways.

And yes, people are busier and less likely to fill roles that are left open. Yes, when we find a spiritual home, we discover that we want to invest our time and talent in that spiritual home.

But pouncing on them is not the answer.

Taylor and Terry might well have turned tail and run. Mike and Lori might have been so burned out they never returned. And we do not want that.

So be careful about when and how you ask people to serve. And for god’s sake, believe them when they say ‘no’ or ‘not right now.’

What can you do? For visitors like Taylor and Terry, make options for service apparent, but don’t push. Maybe if they’ve been coming for a month or two consistently, offer a gentle invitation to do one small thing. Do not pounce.

For long-timers like Mike and Lori, especially those who have done some heavy lifting, institute ‘committee sabbaticals’ - maybe put something on their nametags that reminds folks that they are taking a few months to just be a congregant. Do not pounce.

You’re more likely to keep people if they are invited in and spiritually fed.

Do not pounce.