Let's Give Up...Commenting on Body Appearance
it's not just a women's issue
Hello, fellow travelers on the journey! It’s week four of my Lenten series!
We here at Hold My Chalice are a motley bunch from a variety of religious faiths, but there’s something quite lovely about a season where we consider what no longer serves us and how we might prepare ourselves for what’s next. So this Lenten season, we are considering seven things we say or do or believe in our congregations that no longer serve us, and maybe we can give them up.
Kimberley Debus
This week: Commenting on Bodies
Y’all.
You don’t have to say everything that comes into your brain.
Especially if it involves the way someone’s body appears and you’re in public.
Especially if you know them only as your minister, staff member, or fellow congregant.
To be clear, I’m talking about what happens in our congregations. Do what you want in your intimate relationships. And probably your doctor, who may be treating ailments related to your appearance (because they can see symptoms). I’m talking about the ways some people objectify others – without even realizing they’re doing it sometimes.
An example:
If you see that a fellow congregant has lost a noticeable amount of weight. Don’t comment on their weight. Maybe talk about the weather, or that hymn you really don’t like, or the fundraiser coming up. Anything but their weight.
Another example:
You see your minister, who is not a dude, take off their preaching robe, and you notice their appealing-to-you figure. Don’t comment on their shape. Maybe thank them for the service, or ask about a reference they made, or talk about the fundraiser coming up. Anything but their body shape.
Another example:
Your religious educator doesn’t wear make up, and you think they’d be prettier if they did. Don’t comment on their face. Maybe talk about the lessons your child is learning, or the way the wisdom story came to life, or the fundraiser coming up. Anything but their natural face.
Here’s the thing: this isn’t just about men commenting on women. This is about the ways in which people still talk about appearances and think that’s a safe compliment.
It’s not. Even if they are proud of their weight loss, or happy with their shape, or are giving their skin a break before trying a new facial regimen.
Because you don’t know that. You don’t know if his weight loss is because of depression or illness or an ongoing battle with an eating disorder. You don’t know if their body has been objectified to the point of sexual abuse, or if they are struggling to accept their body as it presents. You don’t know if she is proud of her natural look and have fought off comments like yours, and this new look is her liberation.
Comments about our appearance minimize people; they work hard to be who they are and be in relationship in this congregation. They don’t want to be objectified, or held to a particular beauty standard. They definitely don’t want to be sexualized - especially at church.
Because ultimately, that’s what is happening.
A focus on the attractiveness of a body is sexualizing them. And when you sexualize those who are not dudes, it can feel demeaning and dismissive - as if they are only as worthy as the attractiveness you feel for them. It is also a subtle power move, subjecting them to your judgment, suggesting they have to please you.
Blech. That’s not right relationship. That’s just gross.
Now I say all of this as someone who is on a health journey that includes some weight being shed. I’m glad my doctor is supporting this journey, and that’s between me and her. I’m certain congregants have noticed, but they have been respectful; they compliment my sermons, complain about the hymns, and talk to me about the upcoming fundraiser. They see me for who I am, what I bring, how I am with others, my gifts and talents and (I hope) my wisdom.
That’s all people really want: be seen for who they are, what they bring, how they are with others, their gifts and talents and wisdom.
So the next time you want to talk about the shape and appearance of someone’s body, don’t. Talk about the upcoming fundraiser.
