Let's Just Talk About It

Not long ago I encountered this thought from psychologist Dr. John Gottman, who said that relationships die in the conversations that never happened.

Gottman was speaking of interpersonal relationships - and probably more narrowly romantic partnerships - but not surprisingly, I started thinking about our congregations.

I led a congregation who had just called their next minister in what we in the UUA call a Start Up - it's a chance to share information about the local culture, congregational culture, and talk openly about hopes and expectations. As part of that start up, I asked the assembled about how they handle conflict: what happens when covenant is broken, or someone says the wrong thing, or people just generally disagree. I asked them if they approach each other with love and an earnest desire to resolve, or if they go complain to other people (thus triangulating).

And they said 'we just swallow it.'

In other words, conflict isn't handled at all, the conversations never happen, and the relationships die.

And their new minister wonders why they don't seem to like each other.

That may seem drastic, but a few years ago at the start of the annual ministerial search cycle, one colleague contacted me about a congregation I had worked with, and their first question was "do they like each other?" I was happy to tell them that yes, this congregation had deep relationships built on friendship, trust, and a willingness to talk through the hard stuff. The colleague breathed a sigh of relief as they told me the story of congregational leaders who actively disliked and distrusted each other, which made the entire place hard to get any traction in.

And I wonder, having thought about Gottman's assertion, what would have happened if they'd had the conversations. And what will happen in the congregation I did that Start Up for, if they don't begin having the conversations?

If your congregation struggles with conflict and right relationship, it may be time to start having conversations. Now look: I'm not suggesting you all start hashing out all the conflicts right away - you haven't build the trust yet. Start small.

TikTok creator Jimmy Knowles (@jimmyonrelationships) clued me in on the smaller things that might lead to the bigger conversations: start by expressing appreciation; accepting invitations for connection; acknowledging pain; validate feelings; offer support; make apologies.

Imagine if we take the time to see the person and notice their needs. Imagine if others take time to see us and our needs. And imagine, instead of swallowing our conflicts until they explode, or telling everyone but the person we're in conflict with, what might happen if we were just straightforward with each other.

We might find that everyone feels lighter, and more connected... and the next time something comes up, it'll be a bit easier.

And when asked, your minister will be able to say "oh my goodness, they love each other!"